I am stopping the Caffeinated in the Word study. I’m sorry if you were following it but I do have a good reason. You see I had a dream. Not Martin Luther Jr.’s dream. Not the dream that Fantine dreamed in Les Miserable (although I will write on that dream later). This dream was prophetic. It was life changing. It was awakening. It involved a fish.
Ok, do I have your attention? I should tell you this fish was more like a mini shark. I guess you should also say fishes as there were quite a few of them. There was a dark dingy tank where these fish lived. It was almost inhospitable. There was a 2nd tank with clean water.
I was moving the fish from one tank to another. They were fighting every minute of it. Flipping around almost causing me to drop them. Did I mention I was moving them with my hands? They fought with every ounce of strength until I dropped them in the clean tank. Then they swam around happy and content.
This was my dream Saturday night. I awoke Sunday morning puzzled; trying to figure it out. Then it hit me. You see I have to confess, for sometime I have felt spiritually dead. Oh, I was doing the 40 day study, more intellectually then spiritually or emotionally. I had no prayer life. I felt like a sham. I was angry, resentful, frustrated because of all the trials in my life: ones brought on by myself and ones I had no control over.
This didn’t happen overnight and shouldn’t have been a big surprise to me as I kept God at an arm’s length. I had all but abandoned my prayer life (few contrite prayers here or there). I was cramming through the 40 Days in the Word study and had totally abandoned my Good Morning Girls study (sorry Rubies). I was struggling to breathe. I was trying not to drown in the murky water I found myself in and I was fighting the one who only wanted to help me breath. Who wanted to take me from the mire and bring me to the cool clean water.
I will admit that I did not fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I didn’t breakdown. I was in shock. I knew I needed to do something but what? I knew I needed to start praying and setting a time for that. I knew I needed to get back into the word. I knew I needed to change. However, I also knew me. If I didn’t do this slowly, I would be right back where I started.
I had bought some index cards on a ring. I printed out some prayer guides I had found on Pinterest. I set out clothes to exercise in. Set my study materials on my craft desk. I had a plan.
I would love to say that I jumped out bed Monday morning in excitement when the alarm went off. I pushed myself out of bed. I did 15 minutes interval training on my treadmill listening to worship music. I spent time in prayer. I worked on my 40 Day study. I felt great the rest of the day. I have done this all week. It’s still difficult to get up, but I have noticed a weight lifted from me.
I have spent more time praying. When I feel tempted, I pray. I am currently reading a book on prayer (more on that one when I’m finished reading it). I attended a Woman Inspired conference this week. I feel more alive than I have in a long time. I know it’s not because of me or anything I have or have not done.
God was patient.
God was merciful.
God loved me not matter what and only wanted the best for me.
He knew what I needed.
He knew how to reach out to me.
He prepped me to listen and I have.
I am not writing this as a confession or to say that everything has been fixed. Far from it. I have lost it on the kids this week. I have gotten angry and allowed bitterness to appear. I know this is a process. The beginning. I also know that Satan will be around. That I will be tempted to fall and slip back into the dark tank. I would ask that you keep me and my family in your prayers. That we would be protected. That I would have the courage to persevere. That I would continue to run the race. That I continue to rest in His arms and submit to His will.
And to think….this all started with a dream about a fish!
What are you struggling with? Have you taken it to God? What has God been telling you? Are you listening? Come link up with the other Java Junkies this week.